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dzaztr's Journal
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Date:2005-07-03 10:04
Mood: confused

Ok so it's been quite a while since I've updated my journal.....And in the past few weeks a lot has happened....My first big news started last week when Chad and I decided to try and start a lil side project music group.....We still haven't come up with a name for our group, we have our separate stage names.... He's going by D'Ceet while I'm going to reassume the alter ego Dzaztr.....He and I would be doing the lyrics and vocals while Evan would be our soundman making all the beats for us and I have to say I think Evan should try giving that a look into the future because so far the stuff that he's made has been pretty good....Now it's just the hard part of getting the three of us together at the same time....We have to work around work schedules and family schedules....Hopefully soon we can get together get a list of possible names for our group and then get our friends to vote on which one they like the best.....

Now the more major news occured last night around 6-7 pm......If anyone really knows me then they would know seeing me on a basketball court is not unusual however the events that took place last night at Orems Elementary school were far from normal.....I was a witness to seeing someone die there last night....It was by far the most horrific thing I've seen to date. A bunch of us were all playing ball and there was a couple people riding their dirtbikes in the field next to the basketball court....One of the riders decided to try jumping the hill he made the jump and caught a little bit of air but everyone noticed that his bike didn't sound right well he came back down the hill and made a few more passes around the field....He decided to make another jump from the same hill.... The way the hill goes up it has a little bit of a leveled off spot before the hill continues up well he caught air again however this time his back tire caught the leveled off area and that put him into a wheelie position....which was cool as shit and everyone was applauding and cheering but then the applauding and cheering turned to complete chaos when he continued riding right into the wall of Orems Elementary......Everyone on the court ran up to see if he was ok......I then heard someone yell to call 911.....I called 911 and proceeded to tell the information to the operator and waited for the EMT's and Paramedics to arrive soon the parking lot was filled with emergency vehicles.......The injuries were gruesome I had never seen anything like that up closethe operator wanted me to give CPR but I don't think it would have mattered when the emergency technicians got there the look of utter disgust was apparent they knew right then that the gentleman was dead.....Myself and like 4-5 other guys had to stick around to give our statements....I got back home somehow I drove back to my house completely numb.....I was sick for the rest of the evening until I made myself eat something came home and had a beer to calm me down.....For some reason and I can't explain why I had to go back up there to see the scene..... There was some kind of presence over me that wouldn't let me rest until I saw the scene again.....

Later in the evening I was able to hang out with Justin and Brian and met up with one of Justin's friends at Taco Bell well it just so happens that Justin's friend Pam's boyfriend lives like right around the corner from Orems Elementary so we went back down to the scene at my request and I want to thank everyone that indulged my wish.....After going back to the school I felt more at ease and I wasn't completely numb anymore......

I would like to express my sympathy towards the families of Officer Morris who died last evening I'm going to try and find out where the viewing and funeral is going to be and just try and go out of respect.....

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Date:2005-06-04 21:30
Subject:Thank You
Mood: thankful

Well after a few days rest I feel that it's time to update again.....I want to First and foremost thank everyone that went down to Tennessee and help out in Ashley's memorial garden..... and I don't want to leave the people who have stayed in my family's lives since Ashley's passing.....Although many haven't been able to see her garden continuing to be in my life and be my friend is more than what many can do or have done....All in all Tennessee was a major success, the weather was perfect, not too hot not too cold and even though it drizzled a little bit it never down poured. I know my mom appreciated everyone's help in the garden and their support through our ordeal....So again Thank You to everyone that was able to make it down and to those who continue to think of Ashley every day

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Date:2005-05-24 00:50
Mood: depressed

Why am I so unloved and under-appreciated in every aspect of life.....What do I have to do in order to be accepted for who and what I am. All my life I've been told how much I look like my father....and growing up I wanted to be like my father....However one day and I'm not going to try and remember back when the first time I heard the song "The Cat's in the Cradle" I realized becoming my father wasn't all it's cracked up to be.
For the last five years of my life since I've been out of high school all I've heard from my father is "Further Your Education" So for those of you who don't know or have chose to ignore me, I have started online classes for Fitness and Nutrition....Well it seems that since I've started to "Further My Education" It's become apparent to me that this is not enough....I only did what I've been told for the last five years and that's not good enough.... All I want is support from my father but I can't seem to get it.....I asked him "What the fuck do I have to do? Do I have to bleed for you before you accept me?" You know I thought that after my sister died my father and I would become closer. I've realized the value of life and I try not to take relationships for granted because I don't know my own lifespan nor anyone elses. I guess he hasn't yet. All I've wanted from him was for him to love me and support anything that I do in life.....Not such a hard thing to do.....You would think that a parent would love their child and support whatever they do in life. I think my father has only heard/read one of my written poems.... He doesn't even know the talent I have or the numerous hours I've spent in writing....The same thing with my online courses I have passed the first five tests with a 100%.... you would think that a parent would be proud of their child. Well I know that my mom is and even my step mother supports me but I want my father to be proud of me.....And he isn't....You know unfortunately I know that in many ways I am like my father.....I know that my temper can get the best of me because I leave it bottled up inside of me, most of time people see the facade that I put on. They see the happy Derek, they can laugh at my jokes and impressions. The facade that just hides the depressing being that is ME.... Then when I finally let my feelings out everyone thinks that I'm an asshole. But I dare anyone to walk a mile in my shoes and not feel the same way that I do

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Date:2005-05-22 13:27
Subject:My first collaboration with Katie
Mood: creative

So ok here's my first attempt to collaborate with anyone, Katie and I have helped each other on our own seperate poems in the past and this time it just came about that we put this all together in about two and a half days anyone who reads it hope they like it. It's a style that is quite different than what I'm used to writing.

I wrote these letters to you
Left them all unsealed,
Never signed my name
I'm never to be revealed

So much I want to tell you
Words I longed to say,
These pent up feelings trapped inside
Growing stronger by the day

My blood is growing colder
Running slower in my veins,
Anticipation getting the best of me
Slowly driving me insane

Can't explain what you do to me
These emotions seem so new,
You took me away from the dark side of life
Without you, I'd never make it through

Wondering if my love for you
Is really that true, the love subsides,
Anger inside of me begins to brew.
Pondering how I could ever be in love with you

How can a feeling cause so much pain
Leaving me to ponder the truth in my heart
A mere emotion causing so much chaos
Is this love worth my world falling apart?

You've gone and done it again
you've turned my world upside down
When I'm with you, you're totally oblivious
You're by my side and I don't make a sound

I gave into the feeling
A love I thought we'd share
Now I'm constantly thinking
If you truly cared.

The stony exterior
You've shown is so elusive
Never would I think
Emotions could become abusive

The scars are enough proof
A love so right went wrong
What happend to the so called fairytale romances?
Did my heart play a fool all along?

Still bewildered by this all
I allow myself to cry
For just the thought of you now
Brings a thousand tears to my eyes

Your words continue to pierce through me
Suffocating my soul until my very last breath
It's like a tragic love story for our time
Loving you even after death.

You had brought me into the light
Away from my eternal darkness
Now I'm back where I started
How could you be so heartless?

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Date:2005-05-15 22:38
Subject: A lighter side?
Mood: optimistic

We exchanged glances
from across the room
she brought me away
from my certain doom
this wretched depression
sadness and gloom
Her eyes seemed to dance
in the light of the moon
and has a voice that
whispers like heavenly tunes
My body seems
out of place
As my heart starts
to race at a faster pace
Those sweet moist lips
that I long to taste
hoping my feelings
are none of waste
The touch of her hand
as soft as lace
No smile is better
on any other face
Now I'm playing in
this game of wait
For she's not yet
ready for a new mate
and thats fine
my feelings are based
on more than
getting to second base

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Date:2005-05-09 00:21
Subject:The World As We Know It
Mood: drained

This is the beginning
of the tell all truths
while we're trying
to find an excuse
for today's useless youths
and the guilty who
are running loose
with a lack of proof
in order to be convicted
there are innocent
facing years or imprisonment
The upper class are
living high off the hog
while we're down here
choking on smog
Too involved with their riches
to know that we're bitching
and are about to be evicted
No wonder we're mixing
alcohol in our liquid prescriptions
Time is quickly slipping
Holiday's aren't too far away
Millions are starving
while others are turkey carving
watching Brett Favre win
and racking up billions
in credit card charges
And all these
homeless shelters
Why can't you help your
fellow man and
give them your hand
help the stand up again
Prophesized by Nostradamus
saying goodbye to their Mommas
all these suicide bombers
taking their lives
in the name of Allah
While these strippers
are working for dollars
Everyday facing humiliation
Why do they all say
they're paying for an education
Guys old enough
to be their fathers
sit and watch and
start salivating
thinking they've
found their salvation
Can someone answer this
because I can't handle this
Why do televangelists
seem so phony and scandalous
I mean what's the deal
making non-believers
feel they've been healed
by a false prophet
looking for his cut
into the profit
taking money from
the poorest projects
and puts it in
his own pockets
No one can stop it
now onto a more
serious problem
these runaway brides
women afraid of committing
while our children
are turning up missing
Bring out the dogs
to finally start sniffing
but it's too late
their bodies are ripped up
and are just drifting
in puddles of their own blood
in the sunlight glistening
These are true
to life problems
Why isn't anyone listening

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Date:2005-05-02 23:27
Subject:The wait is over
Mood: relaxed

The racial discrimination
that had a choke hold
on our nation
a wicked abomination
The deadly combination
of hatred and degradation
that led to segregation
We need to stop wasting
time in contemplation
We've got a new set
of problems to begin
to start facing
There's a plague called AIDS
and it hit with devastation
and it's turning our country
into a barren wasteland
and it's racing
at immeasurable paces
to start erasing man
off the face of the planet
I don't understand it
We take our lives for granted
If we have the
seeds of knowledge
Why don't we just plant it
God, Damn it
I can't stand it
Living in this planned panic
with depressed manics
I can't take it anymore
I'm brain damaged
and left famished
I wish I could just vanish
but somehow I seem to manage
practicing my magic
to get into the brains
of savages and just ravage it
with a rhyme
that's just above average
See our troops are falling faster
than our gas prices are rising
Uneasy feelings aren't surprising
Terrorized by being sterilized
before flying and despite this
not knowing who's sitting beside us
It could be some Al-Qaida guy
dying from bronchitis
and why's this
trying to fight this
determined me to find
a need to write this.

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Date:2005-04-27 00:38
Subject:I am "sisohpromateM"
Mood: creative

These changes can't spot them
like "sisohpromateM"
When I got to the bottom
The reversed Latin's
what shocked them
out of this boredom
The autopsy's performed
before you're post mortem
I never ignored Him
He was my support
whenever I was shorted
I deny what's recorded
that it was my
mind left aborted
I tried to assure Him
and never heard the warning
There's always a calm
before all the storming
Thunderheads forming
in the midst of the morning
Rain and tears start pouring
as families are mourning

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Date:2005-04-25 09:20
Subject:I am "Sisohpromatem"
Mood: rushed

I've noticed from
time to time
My mind produces a rhyme
that travels down
the cord of my spine
The signal then descends
and nerves begin to send
the message to my hand
and takes my mind
to the farthest land
The thought can
barely linger
as I grip the pen
between my fingers
A battlefield is created
as the ink spreads
like bloodshed
and when the pen
finally hits the paper
I'm only being powered
by the ink's vapor

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Date:2005-04-24 00:04
Mood: anxious

For the coming of "Sisohpromatem"

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Date:2005-04-21 18:08
Mood: tired

I could feel it
inside of me
an unnatural dichotomy
it was guiding me
and ever since
nineteen ninety-three
I have quietly
become a freak of society
and undeniably
I came to terms with
my suicidal tendencies
mixing Tylenol PM with
two pints of Hennessy
Because when I see
an image of me
seeing I've become
my own worst enemy
and I know
he ain't no friend of me
But how can it be
I act out so dementedly
when there's something there
that I long to be
even though I know
there's something
wrong with me.

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Date:2005-04-19 00:48

Karma is such a mystical thing that I'm gonna start believing in a little more than what I used to.......

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Date:2005-04-15 11:36
Mood: pissed off


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Date:2005-04-14 22:27
Subject:Shakespeare's Caesar
Mood: pissed off

"Et Tu Brute?" Julius Caesar as he's getting stabbed by his best friend Brutus
The moral of the quote

A true friend would stab you from the front

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Date:2005-04-12 22:27

Waking up with
sweat on my face
My heart starts to race
at an irregular pace
I feel out of place
like aliens from outer space
I don't understand
why these vandals
started this scandal
and left me manhandled
like Hannibal the Cannibal
chewed on my mandible
and left me handling a candle
in my left hand
to battle the shadows
of the shadow lands
as I stand
in this wasteland
Next to my empty grave plot
I was sickened by this
place where my body
was left to rot
and decompose
as I regain my composure
I prophesize your lies
like the End of Times
and I metamorphosize
right before your eyes
Tell me who
can calm us?
As the prophecies
of Nostradamus
are finally upon us
dropping bombs on us
to settle all the dramas
and sending the top notches
into shock traumas

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Date:2005-04-12 19:13
Subject:Bomb Dropping
Mood: content

Prepare to have your mind blown!

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Date:2005-03-29 00:20
Subject:As Promised
Mood: rejuvenated

The time on the clock
ticked it's last tock
and told me to bust out
of my grave plot
but noone can hear me knock
beneath the dirt and the rocks
because the top of the box
was sealed and tightly locked
So I took out
my cocked glock
blew off the padlock
and like the cream of the crop
I rose to the top
never slowing down
I'll never stop
It seems like I'm dreaming
red eyes gleaming
like infrared beams in
the nethervoid regions
There's got to be a reason
why these legions of demons
are behind me scheming
having trouble breathing
I believe in decieving
Damn heathens unleashing
terrifying speeches
Preaching their teachings
to leeches seeking the meaning
of recieving life through thieving
while many others die grieving.

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Date:2005-03-27 20:13

Project: Timeline will continue shortly

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Date:2005-03-23 17:52
Subject:Change of Pace From Project: TIMELINE
Mood: groggy

I must take a
moment for self reflection
How long will it take
before I exit this depression?
I feel that by the
end of this lyrical session
I still wouldn't
have learned my lesson
And now it's become
my only obsession
So that's why I've decided
to load this Smith & Wesson
Put it to my head until
My tongue starts confessing
This damaged innocence has
led me to keep guessing
About the feelings
in my head that
always have me stressing

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Date:2005-03-20 01:30

What am I here for?
What is the point for my existence?
Is there an answer?
If so will someone explain.

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my journal